This Has Got To Be One of the Best Off-Road Races of 2022

The rumor goes that Mat bought all three cars for just $6,000, or 5,000 GBP. Now that's a Christmas bargain! The point was to race the three SUVs in a series of off-road challenges and see which one doesn't completely break down by the end. The competition is based on a pretty straightforward scoring system.

The winner of a race gets three points, the second to finish gets two points, and the last in line gets one point. However, if any of them should fail to finish a challenge, they won't get any points. At the end of it all, they add everything up and determine which car is the absolute winner.

The challenges will be judged by an off-road expert. This being said, in typical carwow fashion, the rules will be bent, and nonsense will be tolerated. In fact, it's even encouraged. Now let's see how well each one fared and who actually made it literally in one piece by the end.

The first event was an uphill drag race with nothing fancy about it. All three SUVs were quick off the starting line, but a couple of seconds in, the Porsche Cayenne was ahead, with the BMW X5 behind it and the Range Rover last. They arrived at the finish line in this exact order, which means the Cayenne got three points, the X5 got two points, and the Range Rover one point.

The next event was about maneuverability, where our contestants had to race against the clock, through a forest track, around a hairpin corner, and then towards the finish line. The Range Rover managed to do it in 16.20 seconds, the X5 in 16.25 seconds, and the Cayenne... well the Cayenne almost ran over the filming crew on account that its breaks weren't working properly.

This didn't discourage him, and he finished the race in 16.55 seconds. In other words, the Range Rover got three points, the BMW two points, and the Porsche one point.

Then, it was all about going slow and steady down a steep hill. At first, this challenge was uneventful, so Mat decided to make it more entertaining by having the cars climb up the hill as well. The Porsche won and got the most points, the BMW got two, and the Range Rover got one.

Afterward, they tested their suspension and ground clearance by racing through a pretty bumpy portion of the track, filled with muddy water and other nice things of this sort. After powering through and ramming into each other, the Range Rover won with three points, the BMW got two points, and the Cayenne one point.

Then, they had to climb up a very steep hill, but with finesse. The results were interesting because the Range Rover, which you'd think would win, got stuck halfway through and didn't finish. The BMW came in second, with a respectable two points. Finally, the Porsche, which climbed the hill with the parking brake on somehow, won and got three points.

The final challenge was a slow and difficult crawl over a section of boulders. This is where the rules were thrown out the window, thus becoming a challenge worthy of the Thunderdome name from the Mad Max movies.

After ramming into each other like lunatics, the timer put the Porsche in first place with three points, finishing in 13.91 seconds. The Range Rover got second place, meaning two points, after finishing in 25.83 seconds. The BMW... sadly finished it in 1:09.36. Yes, that's a minute, not a typo.

At the final scoring, the cars were more fit for a date with the compactor than the open road. The overall winner, with 14 points under its belt, was the Porsche Cayenne. It was followed by the BMW X5 with 11 points, and the Range Rover in last place, with just 10 points.

Now, does this prove anything scientifical at the end of the day? Of course not. But after all is said and done, isn't the merriest of holidays about spending $6,000 on three SUVs just to rip them to shreds in a series of off-road challenges for laughs and giggles? In any case, I hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did, and to quote a classic phrase, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"