Zero Funs Given: Porsche Taycan Drags Mercedes EQS and BMW i7 Over a Quarter-Mile

Carwow isn’t the YouTube channel that would fail to put on a show when it comes to car battles over the quarter- and half-mile trials. However, even the best can’t make up for a complete lack of fun from automobiles that foresee the future of motoring.

The following video is solid proof that internal combustion is deeply rooted in our warm-blooded DNA. Regarding cars, electricity is our reptilian compromise for the allegedly cleaner and quieter future.

Let’s face it – nothing will ever be par with the sheer bombardment shockwave erupting from a big-block under full throttle. I accept the emissions argument as valid, but socket-suckers are trash as far as the “put a smile on my face” Sound Effects and Original Score factors are concerned.

Sure, they will make our hearts skip a beat – or several – with the instant torque and catapult-like acceleration. But then again, the same is valid when we stub a toe, which is not cataloged as something we’d rather have over New Year's Eve party.

If it is unclear that I am not the greatest supporter of EVs - from the strictly-delimited enjoyment perspective – please watch the video and feel free to prove me wrong. Three of Germany’s greatest brands are lining up their most powerful full-electric automobiles in this English weather drag race.

BMW, Mercedes, and Porsche sent their range-topping performers to settle it in the rain. When I say “range-topping,” I refer to performance, not battery autonomy. Also, certain particularities may occur because carwow usually holds its races in England. In this case, the BMW is the most powerful model available for the UK market.

Here are the contenders (in alphabetical order): a BMW i7, a Mercedes-AMG EQS 53, and a Porsche Taycan Turbo S. (Side note: Porsche is at least maintaining long-lasting traditional appearances with the name, although there is no turbine anywhere in the car).

Porsche put 560 kW (751 hp / 761 PS) in the Taycan and 1,050 Nm (774 lb-ft) of torque, the sportiest brand in the showdown, while keeping the all-wheel-drive car on the light side of the scale at 2.3 tons. The twin-motor EV can hit 62 mph / 100 kph in 2.8 seconds from a standstill (on paper - and on a better surface than the soaked track of this race).

Surprisingly, the most powerful electric Merc is behind the Porsche in all aspects, bar body weight. 484 kW (649 hp / 658 PS) and 700 lb-ft / 950 Nm push 2.65 tons toward the finish line via all four wheels. The 0-62 mph sprint is over in 3.8 manufacturer-declared seconds. (Second side note: AMG’s optional – and very expensive - DYNAMIC PLUS package ups the performance to 560 kW (751 hp / 761 PS) and 753 lb-ft / 1,020 Nm).

However dismal this standard electric AMG might seem when measured with the Taycan yardstick, the BMW is even lower. 537 hp / 544 PS and 550 lb-ft (745 Nm), dual-motor drivetrain architecture, all-wheel drive, 2.7 tons. Zero-to-sixty-two takes 4.7 seconds, so it will lose badly – that’s not even a question – but click Play below to see just how badly.

In all fairness, BMW does have a more powerful purely electric version available – elsewhere, not in the UK (at the time of the race, anyway). The i7 M70 xDrive has 485 kW (651 hp / 660 PS) and 812 lb-ft (1,100 Nm).

In short, the oddly-named Taycan Turbo S wins all events – standing quarters, rolling start half-mile sprints, and 100 mph-0 (161 kph) brake test. The pleasant surprise comes from the EQS, wrapped neatly in a splendid launch - it outpaces the Porsche off the line every time.

It loses its electric breath soon, though, and falls behind. Either that or the Taycan’s two-speed automatic transmission is a considerable advantage in this Greenpeace-endorsing drag race. The BMW is left for dead almost every time.

The notable exception is the 100-mph rolling start, where the massive sedan is not so utterly defeated. Still, it plays dramatic music (courtesy of Hans Zimmer) while admiring the taillights of its adversaries.