Hummer H2 vs. UAZ 469 Is Off-Road Cold War, Badass Soviet Kicks American Rear

The battleground for this never-ending East vs. West bout is Siberia, and this hint should pretty much give it away as to who is responsible for the showdown. The merry boys from Garage 54 filmed this mud-filled adventure a while back (it’s summertime, the grass is green, the trees are full of leaves, the rains are abundant, and the mosquitos are famished).

The perfect setup for a military-themed clash of car-making ideologies is a forest near Novosibirsk, following a downpour of biblical proportions. Now, I can’t say with certainty that this is a universally valid cardinal rule of thumb. Still, forest trails and rain make the best combination - if you want to test the curiously antagonistic properties of mud.

The organic matter can be formidably grippy – to the point where a vehicle trapped in it can’t get out (ask the German tank crews from circa 1942) – and anti-gravitationally slippery, as if the wheels spin in midair. To add pain to the misery, the Russians decided it would be a great idea to go mudding on regular pavement-threaded tires. David and Goliath, but with golf shoes on, that’s what this is.

The biblical reference is not without reason: the mighty GM brick lays down 6,600 pounds (three full metric tons), while the crude communistic all-terrainer is almost half that size (3,700 lbs., or 1.7 tons). In fact, apart from the number of wheels, these two cars have about as much in common as the two ideological systems that spawned them.

For those who might be confused about the GM allusion – the H2 was built on a Chevrolet platform (the Tahoe would be its closest bowtie relative) with a General Motors LS-based V8 under the hood. Speaking of the muscle factor, the fat American ( which, ironically, was also assembled in Russia during its 2002-2009 production run) relies on a six-liter, 325-hp (330 PS), 365-lb-ft (495-Nm) to spin all four wheels via a four-speed automatic.

On the other hand, the skinny Russian is a full-blown military vehicle designed to drive on and over all types of surfaces – including paved roads. Granted, no military in the world has ever put an accent on ride comfort, so the UAZ 469 is about as welcoming as a swarm of Japanese giant hornets. But it gets the job done – although it wasn’t its primary purpose to carry the liberating troops of the Soviet Army onto the turfs of the exploiters of the working classes.

The UAZ 469 had a much longer life than the failed GM Hummer H2 SUV, having been assembled between 1972 and today (in different versions and variants, admittedly). Its 2.5-liter inline-four engine could be used as a starter for the big V8 on its rival, with 75 hp (77 PS) and 123 lb-ft (167 Nm). However, this is one of those occasions where size doesn’t matter.

Or, looking at it from the opposite angle, size is crucial – the smaller, the better. The tiny Soviet overlander has a secret weapon that its oversized rival doesn’t carry: a two-range transfer case (1.94:1 low-gear ratio). That’s how it can quickly outpace and outmaneuver the massive hunk of American steel. Thanks to its short wheelbase and high ground clearance (94 inches over 12 inches / 2.38 meters with 300 mm, respectively), the nimble tin can on wheels gets out of ditches, potholes, mud traps, and whatnot.

The short overhangs definitely help when driving over rough terrain with deep ruts or gnarly rocks, but this isn’t one of those scenarios. A 50-degree approach angle and a 33-degree departure angle would make any pretentious contemporary off-roader go green with envy.

But all those tricks and aces up its rolled-up blue-collared sleeves are nearly canceled out by those infamously inept rubbers installed by the Garage 54 team. For reasons beyond mainstream logic, the test was carried out with mingy street tires that can only do so much in the thick gunk on the forest trail.

This may not look like much of an off-roading adventure, but the Hummer H2 did get stuck – once – and the patriotic UAZ 469 offered a helping rope and pulled it out. The irony of it all is that Vlad Barashenko, the host of the Garage 54 YouTube Channel, brought his own Cadillac Escalade to join the party, only to abandon it somewhere on the road (better yet, make that ‘off the road’). Soviet Union 1 – America 0. Double zero, if we count the Caddy (although calling it ‘off-road’ would be about as fitting as a drunken sailor in a nun convent).