"Wir leben Autos", "the ultimate driving machine", "Das Auto.", "Vorsprung durch Technik"– every German carmaker has one of these sexy slogans that show just how serious and dedicated they are to making great cars for you, the customer… and millions of others just like you who buy the exact same car.
Wouldn't it be great if we could cut the BS and just take these major brands for what they truly are? Wouldn't it be great if one sentence could describe what all people really think about BMW or Porsche? It would and it can be done… it should be done!
We are living in the age of the German industrial power. Think about it: they command more respect now than Hitler's army ever could during the war. From the 60 hp VW Up! to the 630 hp S63 AMG, most of the car with Deutschland origins are reference points for the industry, mostly for the serious way in which every detail is built. But what's great about serious things and people is that it's very easy to make fun of them, which is exactly what I want to do.
Audi, the maker of that car that has four rings, that other car that's smaller and looks the same and the big SUV football players like. Seriously, even a seasoned veteran of car spotting will have problems telling the new A3 sedan from the A4 and Audi knows it!
From the 1 Series to the 5er GT, the X5 and especially the old 6 Series, everything they've ever put into production has been called "ugly", each time for a different reason.
If there's one thing I like about BMW, it's the way they take risks. Nobody notices that and it's a real shame, but the X5, X6, 1 Series and M3 have changed the world in one small way or another. The whole MINI brand and all the models in it is another example of outside-the-box thinking.
But my God, do they ever make some under-engineered interiors. Their obsession with hard plastic surfaces and artificial-looking leather is second only to Honda. That would all be fine if Mercedes and Audi didn't make perfect cabins with buttons that are identically weighted and intuitively placed.
Another unpleasant surprise is that BMW appears to have forgotten about the pleasures of driving. This is fine for the millions of brand new customers in China, but not for somebody who's sampled an E46 or E60… if you know what I mean.
"Yes, buy Mercedes has some cheap cars as well, like the A-Class!" you might say. Yes, the A 160 starts at €26,000, but it comes with a 90 hp Renault engine and is more spartan than you'd think: no fog lights, no alloy wheels, no xenon and no full-leather interior. The only premium item is the badge.
Porsche are never humble about anything! Their Panameras have "powerful shoulder lines, just like the 911" and even their hybrids are sportscars with heritage… somehow.
We really aren't making it up. The Cayenne and Panamera are considered 4-door sportscars. "Last year, Porsche recorded a roughly even split of sales between its four-door and two-door sports cars (57 percent/43 percent)," their words, not ours.
Picking on Opel is so easy we're not actually going to do it. They really have gotten a bad reputation as GM's loss-making division. But had Government Motors decided to close its European business, where would they get their Buick Verano and Regal architecture from. Why, heaven forbid, the Chinese wouldn't have been able to buy record numbers of Buicks from them in 2013.
That said, Opel hasn't made any money in a really long time and I think I'm not alone in saying none of their cars really gets the pulse going. From the Corsa to the Antara, these guys are responsible for making about as many boring cars as Peugeot and Fiat combined.
We are living in the age of the German industrial power. Think about it: they command more respect now than Hitler's army ever could during the war. From the 60 hp VW Up! to the 630 hp S63 AMG, most of the car with Deutschland origins are reference points for the industry, mostly for the serious way in which every detail is built. But what's great about serious things and people is that it's very easy to make fun of them, which is exactly what I want to do.
Audi: Everything Looks the Same
Audi: We Market Volkswagen Tech Better
Audi and Volkswagen are like sisters with totally different skills that complement each other. One might do a very small three-cylinder engine while the other develops a 1.8 turbo that they can share. The problem is posh sister Audi takes the normal cookies that sister VW makes, dips them in caramel and sells them as "organic" with a 50% markup. Is the 1.2 TFSI different from the 1.2 TSI? Is quattro permanent all-wheel drive really permanent, or does it simply shuffle the power to the back wheels when needed, like 4Motion? Hmmm…BMW: Good at Taking Risks. Bad at Interiors and Sticking to Tradition.
BMW is definitely an oddball of the auto industry. While Audi makes everything the same, BMW makes everything different, which is also a huge problem.If there's one thing I like about BMW, it's the way they take risks. Nobody notices that and it's a real shame, but the X5, X6, 1 Series and M3 have changed the world in one small way or another. The whole MINI brand and all the models in it is another example of outside-the-box thinking.
But my God, do they ever make some under-engineered interiors. Their obsession with hard plastic surfaces and artificial-looking leather is second only to Honda. That would all be fine if Mercedes and Audi didn't make perfect cabins with buttons that are identically weighted and intuitively placed.
Another unpleasant surprise is that BMW appears to have forgotten about the pleasures of driving. This is fine for the millions of brand new customers in China, but not for somebody who's sampled an E46 or E60… if you know what I mean.
Mercedes: We're More Expensive Than Everybody
A little something over-zealous car reviews never tell you when they say Mercedes makes better sportscars than BMW and Audi is that they're also more expensive. I'll give you an example. The BMW M6 and the SL 63 AMG have been rivals since day 1. However, the M6 starts at €124,000 in Germany while the SL 63 is €160,000. You can buy a whole other premium car for that. In fact, once you've added the options, the mighty Merc is bordering supercar territory."Yes, buy Mercedes has some cheap cars as well, like the A-Class!" you might say. Yes, the A 160 starts at €26,000, but it comes with a 90 hp Renault engine and is more spartan than you'd think: no fog lights, no alloy wheels, no xenon and no full-leather interior. The only premium item is the badge.
Porsche: Our SUVs are Like Sportscars, Honest!
Everybody says that Audi should act more humble, since up until recently it wasn't a real premium brand. Really? Porsche used to be a one-trick pony, an engineering company that transitioned into light sportscars. Now, they're about as mainstream as plasma televisions. Of the 42,000 cars they sold to Americans last year, 18,000 were SUVs, weighing over 2 tons. Of those, 30% were equipped with diesel engines. And no, they're not boxer diesels, like Subaru makes.Porsche are never humble about anything! Their Panameras have "powerful shoulder lines, just like the 911" and even their hybrids are sportscars with heritage… somehow.
We really aren't making it up. The Cayenne and Panamera are considered 4-door sportscars. "Last year, Porsche recorded a roughly even split of sales between its four-door and two-door sports cars (57 percent/43 percent)," their words, not ours.
Opel: We Don't Make Money, We Make Buicks
That said, Opel hasn't made any money in a really long time and I think I'm not alone in saying none of their cars really gets the pulse going. From the Corsa to the Antara, these guys are responsible for making about as many boring cars as Peugeot and Fiat combined.
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