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Why Are Audis So Ugly?

An old Quattro, all-wheel drive, making lots of noise in the forest and letting the tail out on gravel. An Audi A8 parked outside a luxury hotel or cafe… mmm, that’s nice. And how about an old RS6 Avant, carving up the snowy Swiss roads. These are all vivid dreams of automotive fanatics. But there’s one problem I have with all the Audis. Whisper it with me: they’re all a bit boring to look at, and by that I mean ugly. That's a harsh word, but things are what they are.
This is clearly intentional and has puzzled people for as long as cars had four rings on them. It wasn’t such a big problem in the 70s, 80s and 90s, but lately manufacturing processes have improved, machines can stamp complicated shapes and plastic bumpers can look like the chrome on a Rolls Royce. In this world of Hyundai Velosters, awesome Mazda concepts and Peugeots with roofs like a woman’s bottom, it’s almost comical that Audi is doing things the way it is.

But why? I think it has something to do with the buyers. It’s not so much a market for ugly cars as much as it’s a market for people who love playing it really safe. I’ll give you an example of the mentality: Say you love fish and chips. If you go to a fancy restaurant, you could order a tri-colored spicy sward fish (Alfa Romeo), but you’re far to afraid of waisting your money, so you get exactly what you eat at home, the boring stuff.

You’d think that it’s all about the money, that desirable cars cost, and ugly ones don’t. But it’s actually the other way around. Resale value, fuel economy, the fake safety provided by having all-wheel drive and the promise of German build quality are all things Audi buyers think about before looking at the design. So it’s actually the safely designed cars that cost more, while the cheaper ones clown around for your attention.

With some exceptions, all Audis are created with an elegant blandness, functional but invisible. You’re more likely to earn respect for your washing machine than turn your head over an A4 sedan. That’s because there are more curves on the tea spoon I’m using to stir my coffee with right now. And no, by curves I don’t mean curved lines, which Audi does have, but curved surfaces, complex shapes that go from concave to convex and play with the light.

What I think Audi is doing is relying too much on brand loyalty. There’s plenty of Audis out there that have got intergalactic mileage going , and even I find that cool, but that feeling of safe, economically reasonable motoring creeps into your mind, you begin to fall in love with misses Boring.

Let’s take an example. The A3 is one of their most popular cars ever. Before 2010 or so, it was probably the best in its class. It had efficient diesels, lots of space inside, it was well built and came with all the toys. But their idea of redesigning it gives me headaches.

I remember watching an Audi pencil man explaining what was new for one model year or special edition. It had two extra bars in the grille, silver instead of black for the mirrors and gloss black for the part of the grille where the number plate goes. I remember thinking to myself “how can they get away with this?”. Are we really supposed to count the bars on the grille and get excited?

But they can do whatever they want because there’s an established pool of Audi buyers, and all they need is some chrome apparently.

At the same time, a brand like Kia doesn’t have that strong following to go on, so it’s forced to take risks more often. They don’t make the same car every year, and I really do have no problem saying the 2013 Kia Pro_Cee’d looks better than an Audi A3.

I understand that buying anything other than a German can seem like a bit of gamble. But it’s Audi that’s actually doing the gambling here. They are relying on the old customers to buy the same sort of car over and over again. Without new blood, it’s something of a Ponzi scheme, and they really need to be taught a lesson in automotive design. Forget about the resale value!

It’s not just me who thinks this. Peter Birtwhistle is the man responsible for all those cool Mazdas we’ve seen the past few years. As Chief Designer, he put the final seal of approval on models like the 2013 CX-5. He once said that the legendary Audi Sport Quattro is “bloody ugly”.

There are, or course, some exceptions to the rule, and they are usually found where Audi was forced to take a risk, proving Ingolstadt is intentionally playing it. Whenever they fail something and redo it or come up with a brand new type of car, it’s usually good.

The smallest (in size) risk they took was the A1. Nobody really knew if premium cars could be that small, so they made it decent just to make sure it doesn’t fail. Most people hate the TT because of what the old one, but this new one is much better in every way. The A4 Cabrio was also somewhat of an ugly duckling, but the A5 is quite simple yet pretty. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: the new TT, the A5 and even the R8 were designed by Walter de Silva, a guy who started his career making Alfa Romeo.
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About the author: Mihnea Radu
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Mihnea's favorite cars have already been built, the so-called modern classics from the '80s and '90s. He also loves local car culture from all over the world, so don't be surprised to see him getting excited about weird Japanese imports, low-rider VWs out of Germany, replicas from Russia or LS swaps down in Florida.
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