Uncle Sam Wants You for Muscle Car Army

People do a lot of crazy stuff with their money and call it fun these days. The other day, I heard of a guy living his dream of getting army training as a vacation, and he sounded thoroughly thrilled to crawl through the mud, clean the latrines and run a marathon in full battle gear.

Admit it - the thought of swopping your comfortable, German-built saloon that’s so well built but also very boring for something outrageous crossed your mind more than a couple of times. So why don’t people in Europe or Asia buy big V8 that have their engines measured in cubic inches and come with hood scoops and HEMI, Mopar, GTO or Shelby badges. Because society tells them they’re not supposed to, and that’s just wrong in my opinion. At least it's a far better use of money than joining the army for your holiday.

In the world where saving fuel and being sensible is more important than waking up in the morning and looking out your bedroom door and down the vents carved in a bonnet that’s the size o your neighbor’s garage door, it’s no wonder you’re not listening to a HEMI exhaust right now.

So with the autoevolution spear of justice in our hands and a full glass of gasoline in the other, we set about ridding the world of this injustice. How? By bringing the injustice and the wrongful doing of the fuel-sippers to light.

In order to bring yourself back into the light of internal combustion, rid your mind of all things car-related. If you are willing to go on an expensive holiday to the Caribbean just to relight the romance with your spouse, you might find that all you were doing was kindling a bit of holiday romance back home. So why, pray tell, can’t you buy a car just based on the same principles?!

Why can’t you rediscover what you felt for cars when you were 10 and looking through magazines? Is the price to pay really that high, or are you just ashamed of what the people in their three-cylinder turbodiesels will think?

Obviously, we are at war with them, and the planet’s natural resources are the prize we both want. They might say the muscle car is brutish and wasteful, but isn’t it better to live fast and proud than to have never lived at all?

We’re kidding of course, cars are all about progress and becoming more efficient, but it’s the mentality that needs to change, and we need you to join the muscle car army. Just think of your children: You hear of Plymouth HEMI Cudas going on sale for a cool couple of million dollars every day, but the Peel P50 from roughly the same era never quite manages this, even though it's ten times more efficient.

What future are we building for our young ones. Will they collect the first Nissan Leafs or Chevy Volts as valuables, or will a few brave solders lead the way and restore the honor of the muscle car.

We have the tools! Every day men and woman toil away to create the bolt action rifle who’s smuttiness and refinement will work in the deepest jungles of East Asia as well as in the driveway of your middle German tradition house with wooden beams on the exterior.

If Chrysler slaps a pair of turbos onto the back of your V6 Pentastar pony, is it not worthy of being ridden? They’ve learned so much about wood and leather dashes to blend into new surroundings, and now all they need are some brave soldiers.

And how about the Ford Mustang! The 2010 model made such big leaps over its predecessor, that everybody forgot all about its faults. When the new one arrives with compact weapons under the bonnet it will be ready for close combat in the confined spaces of the urban environment, and we’ll have something to flush the three-cylinders out of the city.

Want some bigger guns? Fine, just sit your backside in the cushions of a brand new Corvette ZR1 and you’ll have all the firepower to take a supercar down from down rage.

Just go ahead and buy your yellow, white or black stallion, spec some racing stripes and smoke some hybrids at the lights. And when you’re on leave, rescue that pretty thing from that boring techy and his boring facts, take her by the hand and sweep her off her feet. Be her knight in mithril armor from America!

The muscle car and the hybrid can coexist but only when we take back what was rightfully ours. Grit, glory and gasoline await you gallant gladiator, will you you join the muscle car army? Enlist today, and put a big V8 brute where others say it shouldn’t be!
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About the author: Mihnea Radu
Mihnea Radu profile photo

Mihnea's favorite cars have already been built, the so-called modern classics from the '80s and '90s. He also loves local car culture from all over the world, so don't be surprised to see him getting excited about weird Japanese imports, low-rider VWs out of Germany, replicas from Russia or LS swaps down in Florida.
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