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The Apocalypse Always Rings Thrice ...

... do you guys remember those "stupid" movies, with characters that get into a tiny car which takes them by itself at home or wherever they need, because it – the "stupid" car" – knows where and how to take you?

In case you don't remember it's OK. There's an old saying, which pretty much explains the intellect of those who think about crap like that: "Blessed are the meek". Don't be sad now, because soon, sooner than you would have thought, you will see those images live in front of you.

The Germans, while having a wurst and some beer, are on the verge of ending the "limitless speed highway" myth, the rest of Europe is pretty much making you drive with 20-30 km/h (15-20 mph) on almost every road, the Brits consider adding cameras in public toilets while in the United States there's a vigilant ranger in every bush ready to get your money or your driving license every time you speed...

I've been watching the moves of the "automotive industry" for quite some time. For a while, I actually believed the "innovative technologies" or the "new" model announcements, which only LOOKED like they were similar as two tear drops to the "old" ones.

Then I started having doubts. I began digging for information. I learned not to take for granted everything THEY said in THEIR humongous press releases. I started looking for the essence, the modifications which actually count for something, I began doubting THEM.

First in a more skittish fashion then, like any heretic, I started to gently whisper every time I had the chance: "You sure that's the new S-Klasse?!" or "This is where the NEW BMW from the X-series is launching?!" or maybe "Excuse me, did you say five years of research and development... or was that five months?".

This phase lasted the longest. Friends think you're crazy and slowly you become ostracized, an outlaw fighting against a system which works flawlessly. Who are you to say anything about THEM? The profits are doubling yearly, the planet is buying twice as many cars every year, you're nothing but a non-interesting heretic. THEY know best what to do and your opinion is only good for a "niche" web forum, carefully hidden by the automotive sites which have morphed from providing somewhat objective articles in giving nothing but fade texts in which you only get explanations like "the wheels are completely round" or "this car isn't exactly the best, but it certainly is a perfect choice for a only a few tens of thousand euros"...

For years and years THEY only got nice figures, for years the only predictions only consisted of "next year we double everything", "we'll change the name and the color and we'll also make a new A/B/C/D/E etc series", "we'll reuse everything we can", "we'll increase prices for no reason since they buy them anyway", etcetera.

Obviously, during the years, THEY transformed into a bunch of greedy bastards who never listen to YOU, never give a rat's a** about YOUR opinion and only want to make a quick profit. You hate them! Still, you keep buying their products since you don't have any choice.

Maybe you'd like to try something Asian but everybody knows Japanese cars have no soul, while Chinese ones are not much different than cardboard boxes...

If you're the "swimming in dough" kind, then you keep changing cars looking for the perfect product. New or second hand, doesn't really matter, the whole idea is to see if it's THE car.

Each time you begin wondering about how dumb they must have been not to equip it with your favorite gadget or "why don't I also get that for this money?", "why can't I put some functional aftermarket gadgets on it?" "why is every optional feature ten times more expensive?", "why is a 2-inch display as costly as a 50-inch plasma TV?", "why can't you have decent seats for a 70k car (you are suggested a 100-120k one and you finally arrive to the 250k one IF you want "everything") etc.

You spend colossal sums of money, while the "options" cost as much as two cars that are exactly the same, only "normal".

You see, THEY aren't exactly stupid, not in the sense that they don't realize what they should do. They just don't see why they should actually do that. Why do it if the money's pouring? Since people are buying anything they're marketing, why would they make them better? Plus, if a car would be complete, they wouldn't make all those gigantic profits, would they? Just take a look at their income reports from 2003 to 2008 and you will understand what I'm ranting about.

Just when YOU thought they have won, suddenly a spark appeared. The tiny snowball, small, almost invisible. The numbers all began to modify and they became nervous.

What you thought was never going to happen is beginning to take shape. This is it, the APOCALYPSE!!! Showing its fangs and ringing anxiously at the door of history. It's not ringing long and continuously, like a mature and quiet woman who is actually craving for sex, but not short and feisty like a bored teenager girl who chews bubblegum and sends 200 SMS-texts per day. The apocalypse only rings three times. That's it.

And you know what? I'm not sorry at all. I regret nothing. At least now we're all going to have those stupid/intelligent little cars to carry us from point A to point B without any fuss, without any hundred thousand dollars of extra features on them and, especially, without have a despicable mileage. They're going to be electric, quiet, will not go over 30 km/h (19 mph) and most of all they'll be silent.

They won't need bi-turbo or tri-turbos, you won't have to wait for a whole year just so the car you ordered finally meets you, the exterior color won't matter and you won't even need a driving license since you're not the one taking the decisions.

Yeah, I know, THEY are still fighting this, but it's already late. Too late. The electric cars are invading us. They are introduced as a victory, as the supreme panacea, but they're actually crap, an idiotic substitute brought out as the ace up... apocalypse's sleeve. They are the first step towards nothingness, towards the black whole that everyone's going to enter slowly, slowly, slowly...

 
 
 
 
 

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