Photo: image edited by autoevolution
If you know it, you certainly need it. If you don’t know it, you might still need it and when you have it, you’ll probably want to have more of it. What are we talking about? The Porsche 911 range, of course. With over 20 shades of what profanes call the same car, the 911 line-up can sometimes be difficult to explain to non-Porsche fans. We decided to take this test of autohood anyway, so here we are, spelling out the 911 range. And to make sure everything is as clear as possible, we’re doing this... with South Park characters.
We shall, of course, start with Cartman, who wouldn’t drive anything else besides a 911 Turbo S. For him, getting any other version of the rear-engined coupe would be like going back in time and taking that Toshiba tablet he refused when he bought an iPad. Besides... “I’ve got a Turbo S, na, na, na, na, na!”
Kyle? The 911 Targa 4S. His dominating inner voice of reason tells him this is the best compromise between a Coupe and a Cabriolet, while the 4S is enough, he doesn’t really need more. Moreover, the Targa is perfect for his three-point throws - with that big roof open, he always places the ball inside the car.
When it comes to Stan, he would choose the simplest model of them all, the 911 Carrera. Heck, his only use the car is to impress Wendy, so why bother with paying extra for something else?
As South Park aficionados know, when Stan was feeling down over his breakup with Wendy, the one who tried to cheer him up was Porsche, the Raisins girl. We reached out to her in order to ask for her 911 preferences, but it appears she likes to call herself Bugatti these days.
Speaking of Wendy, her geeky side means she would never buy anything from a Porsche showroom. She would be forever trapped studying the endless acronyms that make up Porsche’s alphabet soup. Know your PSM from your PASM!
Butters would also find himself on the side waiting for the upcoming facelift to bring some turbocharged versions that would go softer on the environment. This is a sad story on How butters ended up being thrashed as a passenger in Porsche test vehicles, all because he believed the Nurburgring was all about green grass. There is an exception here though - when Butters has the Professor Chaos mask on the 911 GT3 RS would is his weapon of choice.
Firkle on the other hand wouldn’t need any RS like all the track day conformists, the 911 GT3 would be perfect for him.
In opposing corners we have Token Black and Stuart Mccormick. Thanks to his parents, Token would be the only kid in South Park who would actually afford a 911, so why not go for the 911 Turbo S Cabriolet?
When it comes to Stuart, the base 911 Carrera would be a wonder for somebody with such a low-life. Since that one is already taken, the guy doesn't drive anything. Not that he could.
Staying on the same page, the (5th-8th graders) girl bully trio share the now-sold out 911 50th Anniversary. Rumor has it Porsche had to pull the model off the market a little bit earlier than planned, since the girls stole the last example.
One kid that won’t be stealing anything (especially not hearts) is Kyle Schwarts, who would use his geeky side to determine a Carrera GTS is the ultimate incarnation of the Porsche spirit.
Keeping everybody’s spirits high, or at least trying to, we have Mr Mackey, for whom a 911 Carrera 4 Cabriolet means enjoying life and staying on the safe side at the same time. Mkay?
In case you were wondering who could see all these Porsche to the South Park cast, this role would go to none other than Jerome "Chef" McElroy. His influence on the kids recommends him. He would even go through the effort of hiring a female photographer to snap pics of every delivery, so you can find a complete gallery bellow.
Oh, we almost forgot about Kenny and his 997-generation GT2 RS. Here’s to hoping they don’t kill him!
Kyle? The 911 Targa 4S. His dominating inner voice of reason tells him this is the best compromise between a Coupe and a Cabriolet, while the 4S is enough, he doesn’t really need more. Moreover, the Targa is perfect for his three-point throws - with that big roof open, he always places the ball inside the car.
When it comes to Stan, he would choose the simplest model of them all, the 911 Carrera. Heck, his only use the car is to impress Wendy, so why bother with paying extra for something else?
As South Park aficionados know, when Stan was feeling down over his breakup with Wendy, the one who tried to cheer him up was Porsche, the Raisins girl. We reached out to her in order to ask for her 911 preferences, but it appears she likes to call herself Bugatti these days.
Speaking of Wendy, her geeky side means she would never buy anything from a Porsche showroom. She would be forever trapped studying the endless acronyms that make up Porsche’s alphabet soup. Know your PSM from your PASM!
Butters would also find himself on the side waiting for the upcoming facelift to bring some turbocharged versions that would go softer on the environment. This is a sad story on How butters ended up being thrashed as a passenger in Porsche test vehicles, all because he believed the Nurburgring was all about green grass. There is an exception here though - when Butters has the Professor Chaos mask on the 911 GT3 RS would is his weapon of choice.
Firkle on the other hand wouldn’t need any RS like all the track day conformists, the 911 GT3 would be perfect for him.
In opposing corners we have Token Black and Stuart Mccormick. Thanks to his parents, Token would be the only kid in South Park who would actually afford a 911, so why not go for the 911 Turbo S Cabriolet?
When it comes to Stuart, the base 911 Carrera would be a wonder for somebody with such a low-life. Since that one is already taken, the guy doesn't drive anything. Not that he could.
Staying on the same page, the (5th-8th graders) girl bully trio share the now-sold out 911 50th Anniversary. Rumor has it Porsche had to pull the model off the market a little bit earlier than planned, since the girls stole the last example.
One kid that won’t be stealing anything (especially not hearts) is Kyle Schwarts, who would use his geeky side to determine a Carrera GTS is the ultimate incarnation of the Porsche spirit.
Keeping everybody’s spirits high, or at least trying to, we have Mr Mackey, for whom a 911 Carrera 4 Cabriolet means enjoying life and staying on the safe side at the same time. Mkay?
In case you were wondering who could see all these Porsche to the South Park cast, this role would go to none other than Jerome "Chef" McElroy. His influence on the kids recommends him. He would even go through the effort of hiring a female photographer to snap pics of every delivery, so you can find a complete gallery bellow.
Oh, we almost forgot about Kenny and his 997-generation GT2 RS. Here’s to hoping they don’t kill him!
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