Come 2023 – the 75 anniversary of the emblematic carmaker – and we are served with a whole dish of Porsche extravaganza. Spawned from the YouTubing imagination of carwow's Mat Watson, the following sequence marks a dirty milestone for the German brand. Take the "dirty" literally – six famous Porsche models line up on a forest track to race against each other.
The name of this Porsche-approved event is quarter-quarter-mile sprints-in-the-mud – and the distance indicator is not a typo. The cars race over 100 meters (109 yards), and that's as near as makes no difference to a quarter of the 440-yard standard quarter mile drag dash.
Its companions for this wilderness bout of wheel spin consist of the standard 911 (a Carrera 4 GTS), a Macan GTS, the all-electric Taycan Cross Turismo, and a Cayenne e-hybrid. And, for good off-road measure, the company's money-making first-gen Cayenne, the car that showed the world how "Luxury," "SUV," and "Sport" can coexist on the same chassis.
Given the muddy circumstances and wildly different capabilities of the participants, it is almost pointless to predict who the winner will be. But no motoring congregation would forgive us if we didn't give each contender's mechanical stats.
On the other hand, the deeper the dirt, the better for the Dakar 911 – the model that shares the same platform as the Carrera 4 GTS, except for several all-terrain details. Same engine and AWD transmission but hovers over the ground at a distance of 6.3 inches (160 mm).
On top of this, the African-named 911 has bespoke grippy footwear for slippery surfaces, unlike the level-tarmac brother from the rear-engine mother. Weight-wise, the Dakar is in the same category as the standard Carrera, at 1.6 tons.
But it is lightweight compared to the electric Taycan Cross Turismo's 2.25 tons. This emission-free baron has one electric motor for each axle, totaling 420 kW (571 PS / 562 hp) and 479 lb-ft (650 Nm). It is the most powerful of the bunch and the second most torquiest.
It is outgunned in this department by the Cayenne e-Hybrid's 700 Nm / 516 lb-ft. The massive 2.3-ton afraid-of-nothing high-stance automobile draw that might from a three-liter, six vee-posed cylinders, and two turbochargers. 462 PS / 455 hp is the final output of this gasoline-electric combo.
The 4.5-liter V8 (there's no proper drag race without at least one V8 in it) puts down 340 PS and 420 Nm / 335 hp, and 310 lb-ft. An off-the-shelf Porsche Cayenne of its generation tips the scales at 2.15 tons. However, the modified contender might have gained a few pounds – the tent on the roof is one good indicator of that.
The race is a mud fight between the 911 Dakar and everyone else. The lightweight rally-aspiring Porsche takes no hostages. However, it makes a fool of itself in the first round. It messes up the Rally Mode launch, dropping a jumbo-jet length behind the Carrera 4 GTS over a meager 109-yard race. It gains a footing in the following rounds and joyously flies over the slippery sludge to show everyone who's boss.