It all started on April 10, with Coren waking up to see his brand new electric “kitty cat” had gone missing from outside his London home. A bunch of “c***s” stole it, for sure, he said on Twitter, declaring “so f**k them, f**k the environment and f**k any sort of giving a s**t about cars. I’m buying a six year old diesel f**king Skoda and everyone can just f**k off.”
Chalk this up to the rant of a justifiably angry car owner. Coren went on to say that the Jaguar app that told him where his vehicle at all times was worked just fine, except for those times when the vehicle had been nicked. He was, again, justifiably angry, but he soon learned that his anger was misdirected at Jaguar: the thieves had disabled tracking on the car within minutes of stealing it. And yes, they used a relay device to open and start the car.
The next day, Coren got a text from the Met Police, informing him that his car had been located. However, the police told him they didn’t “have the manpower to investigate themselves so I’m heading off alone on foot to see if my car is there… I suppose I’m rather hoping the crims themselves are not still in the vehicle…?”
Coren walked to the location, which was actually not that far off from where he lived and found the I-Pace perfectly parked. Despite his fears, the criminals hadn’t drained the battery, but they did have a blast with it, judging by the fact that the seat had been slung “into the gangster position.” After some debating with himself as to whether he should take his car back, Coren did just that.
He spent the next night barely sleeping, thinking the thieves would come back for the car. Relieved to find it was still there in the morning, he called the police and Jaguar to “unreport” the theft. Jaguar sent a tow truck to pick up the SUV and bring it in to reprogram the keys and fix the jammed tracker. As for the police, Coren was understanding enough. “[Met Police], tks for being sweet - totes understand there are bigger fish to fry than rich people’s cars.”
The only questioning remaining right now is who should play him in the movie.
Horse shit. Utter horse shit. They disabled the tracker within three minutes of nicking the car. Alarm, immobiliser, tracker all useless. If insurance pay up I’ll still take a fifteen grand bath and be pretty much uninsurable thereafter. Secure tracker MY HAIRY ARSE. pic.twitter.com/wL850dB5u9— Giles Coren (@gilescoren) April 10, 2021
This is the really useful Jaguar tracker app that tells you where your car is in all circumstances EXCEPT WHEN IT HAS BEEN STOLEN. pic.twitter.com/F75UwsN38X— Giles Coren (@gilescoren) April 10, 2021
It’s like finding the phone that you lost two days ago multiplied by about a gazillion. pic.twitter.com/5ngbxo5RHu— Giles Coren (@gilescoren) April 11, 2021