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How To Navigate the Deadly Highways of Florida

Either you are here because of lockdown or because you lost your passport. Either way, you should read this before reading it again in order to avoid the madness of the Sunshine State.
Downtown Jacksonville 6 photos
Photo: News4jax.com
Elon Musk Visits SpaceX FloridaSelf ExplanatoryThe first NASCAR races were on the beaches of DaytonaDrew's new map of Florida 1873Chief Osceola, the last Native American leader of Florida
There is an island on the Georgia border that has been subjugated by 8 different nations over the past 250 years. Such a microcosm has only been made possible by the apparent antics of Floridians. That’s why it is prudent to know the fastest ways to leave the state in the inevitable calamity portrayed by Social Media and Law Enforcement.

So, in order to travel from Amelia Island to Clearwater Beach, you will need at least 5 hours and $100 in fuel. What you are about to read might seem improbable, or even impossible, but I have a host of wittnesses that can attest to the calamities we collectively endure. President Eisenhower was impressed by the Autobahn that forms the backbone of Central Europe. Seeking to give the United States the same freedoms, the Interstate Highway System was mostly finished by the mid '80s.

Drew's new map of Florida 1873
Photo: Library of Congress
You can see clearly that Florida has a logical highway system, but the best way to see it in action is from a safe distance, and that is the International Space Station. In fact, we even have Interstate 4 all to ourselves. This should be an “Intrastate” as it doesn’t touch Georgia or Alabama, but Florida is too lazy to change the spelling.

The next clues come from extra footage Michael Bay shot for the Transformers films. Every 2.7 seconds there is a fatal car wreck here. Driving the length and breadth of “Interstate 4,” you are literally taking your life into your own hands. I learned this firsthand in 2002 when I decided to attend the University of Central Florida to pursue a degree in advertising. It was here that I found a catharsis watching scores of drug-laden students fight the “War on I4.” This ribbon of concrete that bisects the state somehow connects most of the state’s poorest neighborhoods, from Daytona, Sanford, Orlando, (Disney World), and on to Tampa.

You will be hard pressed to maintain an average speed above 43 mph, which makes Amtrak a viable alternative. However, the only trains between Jacksonville, Orlando, and Tampa leave at 2:15 PM, and that’s on Tuesday and Thursday...only. So, if you value having a nice car or truck, I would not approach the Interstates without a License to Kill.

Some people deal with adversity with ease, while others melt down. This is what happens when #florida man snaps, and you don’t want to be anywhere near it. That’s why I am 38 years old, and I have given up on highways. Florida has the best network of ancient roads in the Western Hemisphere, many being blazed by the Native Americans, Spanish, and English ancestors. That’s why I am pleading with you to take a leisurely trip back in time.

Self Explanatory
Photo: HeritageBadge.com
From my little room on Amelia Island, I prefer Route A1A to follow the Atlantic Ocean to Miami. It will take a weekend to get there, but the food and hotels represent everything right with living in a free country. Should you want to experience the Everglades, Interstate 75 is loaded with refugees from New York, California, and Quebec. That’s why the old Tamiami trail will take you through the swamps while making amazing memories along the way.

Because the Police are underpaid and overworked, you don’t have to worry about small crimes. All we ask is that you take your hat off at the dinner table and give us the same respect you would offer your best friend. Traversing this state can be done, but make sure you have ample time along with any form of relaxation you deem necessary. Spend all your money here, look for the SkunkApe, then please go home as soon as possible!

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