I could be talking about the way an Aston Martin looks like it has Marilyn Monroe hips, that the Ford GT will come back in 2016 with a backside like J Lo’s, or that the new Mercedes single bar grille looks as perfect as Keira Knightley’s smile. There’s plenty of car trivia to rant about every day, since new car models come out every other week… but I can’t talk about that!
And that’s because all of you are probably fixated with a round piece of artificial pig skin that some bloke with a magic right foot is kicking about a grass field. Honestly, i should be sipping margaritas in the Caribbean, but I think it’s best to talk about football players and cars.
Mentioning the two in the same sentence is a bit like fusion cooking. You take two very different ingredients from opposite worlds, stir fry them together for a cool half a million euros and serve with a side order of gooey, superficial tabloid scandal.
What i’ve noticed is that Footballers buy their cars basically the other way around from what normal people do. Now, it’s a fact that we clearly accept - the richer you are and the less time you had to work to get that money, the more likely you are to throw everything away super quickly. But think for a second just how strange these guys are.
Footballers think very seriously about not being serious, they buy shiny sneakers because they are expensive, they go to clubs to drink mineral water and are usually seen with their hands in their pockets like 8-year olds. Watch technology has evolved so much that you can make one the size of a pencil tip, but if it’s not bigger Jerome Boateng’s hand, it won’t work well with his AMG Mercedes, which has an oversized badge on the front.
The cars that Wayne Rooney buys (he has a CLK AMG last time i checked) should make the ground shatter under your feet, your eyer drums resonate and your nose fill with the fumes of petrol. But all he does is take it to the shops, and that doesn’t sound like fun, it sounds like being posh.
We should witness the resuscitation of the limbic system, the kick of adrenaline that jolts the spirit and awakens the senses, readying you for when you get on the green field. But it’s really a game of egos, temporarily boosted by huge paychecks.
Honestly, a quick check made it clear that a huge portion of big players own one of the following cars, listed in the order of importance: Ferrari 458 Italia, some sort of Mercedes AMG (SLR, CLS, G-Class) or a Bentley Continental GT.
In fact, I think that right now, some Russia footballer is thinking of buying a Ferrari 458 if he does well in the finals. This Ferrari just screams “footballer’s car” at you, which we have to admit could hurt its image were it not an almost perfect machine.
Just think about this for a seconds - the 458 has a cultured version of Italian sassy-sexy self, like it wants to spank you in the face to make things interesting. That finely boned nose looks like the chin of the hottest Ukrainian supermodel girlfriend, and on the track, it dances from the hips like Ronaldinho.
And because of the crisis, footballers are more likely to buy a Ferrari. Why? Because people across Europe are losing their jobs and so they are more likely to be at home, watching football on the 3-foot TV they bought on credit 2 years ago.
So, more money to buy the dream car for the boys with talented kicking feet. Dream car? Well not actually. Sure, it’s fast and filled with leather. But for the drive from the stadium to posh club where footballers like to drink Crystal champagne with Coke (the drink not the powder, of course), anything would be just as good.
Honestly, I’m never going to figure out why football players need Ferraris, but you don’t need to be a genius to figure out it’s a pseudo-macho thing. Just you wait until they realize an Aventador has more cylinders. Cristiano Ronaldo has one, so he must be good at math… that Portuguese football machine. We’d build him a special edition if we were Lamborghini!
Mentioning the two in the same sentence is a bit like fusion cooking. You take two very different ingredients from opposite worlds, stir fry them together for a cool half a million euros and serve with a side order of gooey, superficial tabloid scandal.
What i’ve noticed is that Footballers buy their cars basically the other way around from what normal people do. Now, it’s a fact that we clearly accept - the richer you are and the less time you had to work to get that money, the more likely you are to throw everything away super quickly. But think for a second just how strange these guys are.
Footballers think very seriously about not being serious, they buy shiny sneakers because they are expensive, they go to clubs to drink mineral water and are usually seen with their hands in their pockets like 8-year olds. Watch technology has evolved so much that you can make one the size of a pencil tip, but if it’s not bigger Jerome Boateng’s hand, it won’t work well with his AMG Mercedes, which has an oversized badge on the front.
The cars that Wayne Rooney buys (he has a CLK AMG last time i checked) should make the ground shatter under your feet, your eyer drums resonate and your nose fill with the fumes of petrol. But all he does is take it to the shops, and that doesn’t sound like fun, it sounds like being posh.
We should witness the resuscitation of the limbic system, the kick of adrenaline that jolts the spirit and awakens the senses, readying you for when you get on the green field. But it’s really a game of egos, temporarily boosted by huge paychecks.
Honestly, a quick check made it clear that a huge portion of big players own one of the following cars, listed in the order of importance: Ferrari 458 Italia, some sort of Mercedes AMG (SLR, CLS, G-Class) or a Bentley Continental GT.
In fact, I think that right now, some Russia footballer is thinking of buying a Ferrari 458 if he does well in the finals. This Ferrari just screams “footballer’s car” at you, which we have to admit could hurt its image were it not an almost perfect machine.
Just think about this for a seconds - the 458 has a cultured version of Italian sassy-sexy self, like it wants to spank you in the face to make things interesting. That finely boned nose looks like the chin of the hottest Ukrainian supermodel girlfriend, and on the track, it dances from the hips like Ronaldinho.
And because of the crisis, footballers are more likely to buy a Ferrari. Why? Because people across Europe are losing their jobs and so they are more likely to be at home, watching football on the 3-foot TV they bought on credit 2 years ago.
So, more money to buy the dream car for the boys with talented kicking feet. Dream car? Well not actually. Sure, it’s fast and filled with leather. But for the drive from the stadium to posh club where footballers like to drink Crystal champagne with Coke (the drink not the powder, of course), anything would be just as good.
Honestly, I’m never going to figure out why football players need Ferraris, but you don’t need to be a genius to figure out it’s a pseudo-macho thing. Just you wait until they realize an Aventador has more cylinders. Cristiano Ronaldo has one, so he must be good at math… that Portuguese football machine. We’d build him a special edition if we were Lamborghini!
Google News