Car Aficionado Turned Lottery Winner. What Do I Buy? - Driving Disorder Ep. 1

Tesla Model S burnouts 1 photo
Photo: Catalin Garmacea, edited by autoevolution
Advisory note: this is the first episode of a series that will see me, No More Mr. Nice Car Guy, act like a car columnist who wins the lottery after having driven his way through the industry. I must give myself advice about which contraption to buy with the overnight money. Wouldn't you go crazy in such a position? I've already developed a Driving Disorder just by writing about the idea. We'll start with "A" for "Audi" - Audi’s A1 to Q7 line-up consist of racing cars that are basically a sandwich made with rally-bread quattro, Le Mans cheesy speed and Ferdinand Piech flashing BMW drivers on the Autobahn in order to get them to buy Audis. Oh and that Dr. guy who ordered his driver to slain a pair of Mercs from behind in a DTM race. Mercedes said this was not elegant. They are now secretly plotting to make an alliance with Audi, take them over and then sell them to Fiat. The cars will be sold as Chryslers and rebranded as Mopar trucks accessories. The Hellcat, which is not the Viper, which is not SRT’s halo car anymore, is also made by SRT, which is not a standalone brand anymore. But it’s not Dodge either. It’s Dodge’s sub-brand. “Sub”, you know? As in the Viper has always been better than the Corvette in every single way, except that this is only true for the current generation. The other - how many does the Viper community think there are? - say 14 generations, were crap. But we love the new one. We really do. Even in the wet. And when we dress up like teddy bears and go out to steal the actual bears’ honey using the Viper. Yes, now it’s that practical - it’s so good bears ask us for shotgun rides and give us the honey in return. They're good folks. Lamborghini won’t be included in the Mercedes--->Audi--->Chrysler--->Chinese car company merger for Marchionne's industry consolidation deal. The Raging Bull will continue to make naturally aspirated engines even after the world ends and there’ll be no air to suck-squeze-bang-blow. Their engines are so powerful, they can run on void. Sure, you lose some power, but a turbo wouldn’t help anyway, would it? The business diagram shown above illustrates the number of Le Mans victories that will follow until Audi will be split in four brands, each with its own circle. It will take over... no wait, that’s another company. Right, as I was saying, Porsche...
Porsche are always spinning around their own tail, but having become so good at spinning, that they set the engineering pace. Note that they’re not like Audis, because they don’t have lasers.

And talking about pace, we must discuss McLaren. Wait, those are the guys who always struggle to be beat Ferrari. Ah, yes, the Prancing Horse, we have to discuss this first!

If you have to ask why a!!! Ferrari is the best, you don’t deserve one. Even if you own it.

Now, back to McLaren. Their cleared desks solely produce speed. Our imaginary friend Chris Harris wasn’t tired when he reviewed the 675LT and got stuck on “it’s fast, it’s fast, it’s fast” - the car was just about speed, he really had nothing else to say - and he couldn’t be tired, it’s a car that wakes you up from the dead when it goes... fast!!! extremely, crushingly, memorably fast.

Of course, not as fast a Ferrari. They are the best. Not kidding. Actually, I’ll leave the conclusion to this, so that it increases the idea’s chances of being remembered. Ferrari needs marketing, you know? Otherwise why would they make so many clothes?

But still, they’re fast. Around the Fiorano track at least, as we don’t exactly know their times around other circuits. But even if they allowed that on their cars, I wouldn’t know it, since I’ll always enjoy using Ferrari road cars on... roads. For the track, I prefer the back-to-the-basics go-kart experience. So I’m off to drive a kart. No, not a MINI.

P.S.: This being a discussion among myselves, feel free to join, if mentally, but don’t judge. Or, if you do, let me know about it.
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About the author: Andrei Tutu
Andrei Tutu profile photo

In his quest to bring you the most impressive automotive creations, Andrei relies on learning as a superpower. There's quite a bit of room in the garage that is this aficionado's heart, so factory-condition classics and widebody contraptions with turbos poking through the hood can peacefully coexist.
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