If I ever fulfill my dream of becoming a car company... ahem... CEO, let's say, of Volkswagen, the first thing on my dictatorship agenda would be to outlaw every engine that makes less than 150 horsepower. Seriously now, 122 horsepower on a sedan? What is this, the 1950s? My Alcantara and Amboyna Burl wood-filled electric rocking chair has... ahem... more power than this puny Volkswagen.
The only good thing which I can... ahem... observe in this car is the fact that someone, somehow, managed to smack the hand of the guy in charge of filling every VW engine bay with a TDI oil-burner. Wherever I see a Vee-Dub on the road there's a TDI... ahem... badge on it. It's like they explicitly want to kill us all slowly with soot particles.
Don't get me wrong now, that TSI engine gets a thumb up for not being a diesel, but... ahem... it also gets my "no-no" vote for having the power of a lawnmower. Why would they do that? The Jetta isn't exactly a small or light car, why would they... ahem... equip it with a mill that can only be used as a generator for a two-person tent?
Anyway, the icing on the cake has to be the malfunctioning sensors for the ABS and the ESP on our test car. By the way, I have a slight hunch that the dealer from where you... ahem... borrowed the Jetta might have a nail against us. Maybe their hidden intention was... ahem... something along the line of: hey, if the utter boringness of the car won't put them to sleep to crash and die, maybe the lack of active safety systems will.
Thankfully for each of us (except that retarded hick Lou; can't stand him), nobody crashed it during the... ahem... test drive. Next time we get a car from them you should probably check under the driver's seat for a hidden... ahem... pipe bomb or something.