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Test Drive: PORSCHE Cayenne Diesel - 2009
Sir May B. Bach's Opinion
A Porsche badge on an SUV? Blasphemy, am I not right? A disgrace to car fans all over the world. Then I test drove a Cayenne Turbo and I completely... ahem... changed my opinion, it's like it had brainwashed me or something...
Anyway, then the Panamera was launched, which again made me... ahem... angry. The same feeling again washed away after climbing into the Turbo version. In conclusion, what is it with these ugly Porsches and their... ahem... "Turbo" versions? Is this like a devious master plan at Porsche or something?
I can only guess what those marketing guys in Zuffenhausen were whispering to themselves before... ahem... launching it. "Umm hallo guyz, ve will make anozer ugly turd on wheels but then ve'll add eine Turbo versionen so that our customers won't run away, ja? What a wunderbar idea, Hans, you win die prize!"
What do you mean a Porsche SUV? A Porsche, like the... ahem... 911? With more than two actual seats and a real... ahem... boot to put all your stuff in? Oh well, I kind of got over it eventually, like I told you, but what I can't get over is... ahem... the Cayenne Diesel. There's no way on Earth that I will consider this car a real Porsche.
The body is built in Bratislava by Volkswagen, while the engine comes straight from... ahem... Audi. What a complete disgrace of a car! Apart from the badge, there's simply nothing appealing about the... ahem... Porsche Cayenne Diesel. Nothing! They have officially turned a once great sports car company into a money-making... ahem... substitute. "Porsche – there's no substitute"? How about: "Porsche – it is a substitute, for a real sports car"?
Anyway, then the Panamera was launched, which again made me... ahem... angry. The same feeling again washed away after climbing into the Turbo version. In conclusion, what is it with these ugly Porsches and their... ahem... "Turbo" versions? Is this like a devious master plan at Porsche or something?
I can only guess what those marketing guys in Zuffenhausen were whispering to themselves before... ahem... launching it. "Umm hallo guyz, ve will make anozer ugly turd on wheels but then ve'll add eine Turbo versionen so that our customers won't run away, ja? What a wunderbar idea, Hans, you win die prize!"
What do you mean a Porsche SUV? A Porsche, like the... ahem... 911? With more than two actual seats and a real... ahem... boot to put all your stuff in? Oh well, I kind of got over it eventually, like I told you, but what I can't get over is... ahem... the Cayenne Diesel. There's no way on Earth that I will consider this car a real Porsche.
The body is built in Bratislava by Volkswagen, while the engine comes straight from... ahem... Audi. What a complete disgrace of a car! Apart from the badge, there's simply nothing appealing about the... ahem... Porsche Cayenne Diesel. Nothing! They have officially turned a once great sports car company into a money-making... ahem... substitute. "Porsche – there's no substitute"? How about: "Porsche – it is a substitute, for a real sports car"?
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So who is Sir May B. Bach?
Sir Bach is the richest member of our team. Maybe even the richest man in the Northern hemisphere. Fact is, we don't even know how does he get the time to participate on our test drives, considering he's usually busy taking his two homosexual Great Danes to the stylist, filling up his personal squadron of gold-plated Gulfstreams or petting his own pack of albino chinchillas.
Apparently, he was knighted after he made a very generous contribution to the Queen's treasury. The exact amount of money is unknown, but immediately after this, the British GDP miraculously rose with almost 5%. He really enjoys luxury and the finer things in life.
Favourite quote: “Luxury ruins republics; poverty, monarchies.” - Charles De Montesquieu
Apparently, he was knighted after he made a very generous contribution to the Queen's treasury. The exact amount of money is unknown, but immediately after this, the British GDP miraculously rose with almost 5%. He really enjoys luxury and the finer things in life.
Favourite quote: “Luxury ruins republics; poverty, monarchies.” - Charles De Montesquieu
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