Test Drive: DACIA Sandero Stepway 1.6 MPI - 2009

I know, I promised myself I would never... ahem... ever climb in a Dacia again. After I drove that... ahem... Ecto 1... or Logan MCV... whatever it's called, I had to take a two weeks leave from running my self-made empire because I had to puke all day and all night. After riding in the horrifying Sandero I became... ahem... chronically depressed. Now you guys made me drive another atrocity by Dacia... the Sandero Stepway.

First of all, what the hell does...ahem... Stepway mean? To me it sounded like the name given to a stair lift for old or fat people. Then I realized it most likely came from the “Step away from me, I'm ugly!”... ahem... expression every lifted Sandero appears to be saying. This car is so ugly it's probably going to give me chronic nightmares. Utterly dreadful!

Second of all, what is wrong with all the funky silver plastic bits all around the... ahem... car? Are they trying to disguise it... ahem... as a Tonka Toy or something? Because it's not working, it remains as ugly and unimaginative as if someone has... ahem... beaten it with the ugly stick.

Anyway, as if the ugliness wasn't enough, the car also drives like a piece of... ahem... donkey dung. My colleagues say that it's one of the most comfortable cars on bumpy roads they have ever driven. I say that they need to get themselves checked out... ahem... by a head doctor. Either that or see a specialist who can tell them that a comfortable car doesn't use those horrifying seats, or those dreadful... ahem... aluminium plastic inserts all over the center console.

Also, has anyone even bothered to mention the way the gear shifter moves? It's simply preposterous. Utterly preposterous! I have a feeling that when shifting from second to third in the Stepway you get pretty much the same sensations as my Congolese master chef when stirring one of his platinum-plated... ahem... pots.

In case I haven't made myself clear enough already, I would suggest to any car buyer to step as away from the Stepway as they would from a pack... ahem... of zombies with A1H1N1 influenza that are foaming at the mouth. And yes, I'm well aware that the "Stepway/Step away" pun is getting pretty old, pretty fast.