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Test Drive: CITROEN C4 Coupe 1.6i VTR - 2009 - "New Cars Collection"
Sir May B. Bach's Opinion
You guys can officially color me disgusted. The man who designed this... ahem... abomination, that Coco guy, should be flown to the Amazon jungles where he should get bitten by some... ahem... godforsaken dinosaur bird with rabies or something, catch an exotic flu which has no cure and die a horrible pain.
Besides, what kind of a weird name is... ahem... Donato Coco anyway? It sounds like a vintage ice cream maker or something. He actually got paid to draw a car that doesn't... ahem... end? I mean, just look at it. It has no rear-end. It's like it used to be a fastback coupe which... ahem... got rear ended by a truck and then it was repaired by a blind mechanic.
Did I mentioned I wore a brown paper bag over my face with two... ahem... holes cut through so that I can see whenever I drove this ugly French... thing? My public image is supposed to be... ahem... spotless. Nobody should see me driving something like... ahem... this again, do you hear me?
Yes, I'm well aware of Citroen's design heritage and obviously I know what... ahem... a Kammback or Kamm-tail actually is. You see, there are two problems from my point of view. First of all, I absolutely hate... ahem... Wunibald Kamm for coming up with that disgusting element of design. It's simply and without a doubt fugly.
Second of all, I don't like older Citroens either, especially that... ahem... dreadful-looking CX. I like my cars to look like cars, not... ahem... spaceships from a bad 1950s Sci-Fi movie. Futuristic my heiny. It looks downright... ahem... vomit-inducing. Oh and that interior, did anyone of you guys take a look at it? It looks like the main interior... ahem... designer was wall-eyed and a bit confused on where to put the dashboard instruments.
Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I just remembered the... ahem... appalling panoramic sunroof this C4 Coupe had. It doesn't open, it's fixed! Why would anyone want to feel like in a goddamn incubator... ahem... while looking at the sky? Damn you Citroen for doing this! Damn you to hell!
Besides, what kind of a weird name is... ahem... Donato Coco anyway? It sounds like a vintage ice cream maker or something. He actually got paid to draw a car that doesn't... ahem... end? I mean, just look at it. It has no rear-end. It's like it used to be a fastback coupe which... ahem... got rear ended by a truck and then it was repaired by a blind mechanic.
Did I mentioned I wore a brown paper bag over my face with two... ahem... holes cut through so that I can see whenever I drove this ugly French... thing? My public image is supposed to be... ahem... spotless. Nobody should see me driving something like... ahem... this again, do you hear me?
Yes, I'm well aware of Citroen's design heritage and obviously I know what... ahem... a Kammback or Kamm-tail actually is. You see, there are two problems from my point of view. First of all, I absolutely hate... ahem... Wunibald Kamm for coming up with that disgusting element of design. It's simply and without a doubt fugly.
Second of all, I don't like older Citroens either, especially that... ahem... dreadful-looking CX. I like my cars to look like cars, not... ahem... spaceships from a bad 1950s Sci-Fi movie. Futuristic my heiny. It looks downright... ahem... vomit-inducing. Oh and that interior, did anyone of you guys take a look at it? It looks like the main interior... ahem... designer was wall-eyed and a bit confused on where to put the dashboard instruments.
Oh God, I just threw up in my mouth a little. I just remembered the... ahem... appalling panoramic sunroof this C4 Coupe had. It doesn't open, it's fixed! Why would anyone want to feel like in a goddamn incubator... ahem... while looking at the sky? Damn you Citroen for doing this! Damn you to hell!
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So who is Sir May B. Bach?
Sir Bach is the richest member of our team. Maybe even the richest man in the Northern hemisphere. Fact is, we don't even know how does he get the time to participate on our test drives, considering he's usually busy taking his two homosexual Great Danes to the stylist, filling up his personal squadron of gold-plated Gulfstreams or petting his own pack of albino chinchillas.
Apparently, he was knighted after he made a very generous contribution to the Queen's treasury. The exact amount of money is unknown, but immediately after this, the British GDP miraculously rose with almost 5%. He really enjoys luxury and the finer things in life.
Favourite quote: “Luxury ruins republics; poverty, monarchies.” - Charles De Montesquieu
Apparently, he was knighted after he made a very generous contribution to the Queen's treasury. The exact amount of money is unknown, but immediately after this, the British GDP miraculously rose with almost 5%. He really enjoys luxury and the finer things in life.
Favourite quote: “Luxury ruins republics; poverty, monarchies.” - Charles De Montesquieu
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