The Perfect Coupe
What am I on about? Well, in autoevolution’s typical ‘let’s challenge the establishment’ style, I want to try and suggest what the perfect coupe should have... on paper at least. It’s hard to fit all this tech into a single car, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could?
Right, so let’s start with the concept: what a coupe should be about. This isn’t witchcraft people, it can be done but it’s not going to be easy. The perfectly balanced coupe should not be developed on the Nurburgring. It should be totally happy wafting you about on a cold, dreadful Monday morning, it has to sound good, it needs to be luxuriously sprung, comfortable but connected. Your coupe should be athletic and you should love it more than your wife. If should have more tech than most other cars built by its maker, so you feel like you’ve made the perfect compromise. I’m talking about LEDs, some crazy sunroof technology or something else that looks like it belongs on a supercar.
The coupe needs to look like the cream of the crop, the range topper, the beauty that, if you look at it for too long, will make you forget all about other monstrosities that the manufacturer has built. Say we’re talking about Audi, didn’t that make you forget about the ugly garbage bin that was the A2? And how about the Peugeot RCZ, which even managed to make one of the ugliest grilles in the business look good, partly because you had a back window that looked a bit like a woman cleavage or rounded behind.
So what should be under the bonnet of the perfect coupe? Well, if you’re 12 the answer is probably a HEMI V8 if your parents drink Bud and a twin-turbo V8 if they have Erdinger Weissbier. But that’s not the answer. Among the engines of the future are the new 313hp V6 diesel from Audi, Ford’s EcoBoost 2.0L or Peugeot’s 1.6L THP 200. That’s the way of the future!
But it’s not the engines I’m worried about! All-wheel drive tech is what you need these days, because even if I would buy the latest Subaru BRZ sports coupe, next winters blizzard will make me regret not waiting for the new STI. AWD technology needs to get lighter and more efficient for the benefit of ALL cars, not just coupes.
While we’re on the subject of drivetrain, another think all coupes should come with is adaptive suspension for when you want your coupe to feel that extra little bit special. Ideally, no two-door should come without a variable exhaust, and I never want to look at another two-door without symmetrical exhausts. Tuners can fit a regular Renault Clio with a pipe on either side for about €300, so there’s no reason to but any expensive luxury vehicle if the back end looks like it had one half bitten off. Again, it should be athletic, not monstrously sporty. The exhaust should sound more like a snarl than a bark.
Party tricks! Every athletic coupe should come with nasty little surprises for its rivals on the road, party tricks to impress the girls, basically the stuff that makes you go ‘wow’. If Ford builds a Puma based on the Fiesta, I want the EcoBoost engine to have an overboost function that slams you into the seat. If it’s an Audi, it should have an AWD system that’s more R8 than A8, if it’s French I want the best leather they got and supermodel looks, not dog ears. And the headlights better swivel with the wind or what you had for breakfast if it’s Japanese. Impress us!
Inside, the perfect coupe needs to be much more perfect than it is right now. If you’re going to place a big shiny strip on the dash, it had better be real aluminum, and I don’t think in the premium segment can be without a full leather dash.
If I would build the perfect coupe interior it would need black Alcantara with white stitching, the aluminum trim from a Veyron, the starter button from the Aventador, a digital instrument cluster like the LS-F and at least three different seats like Ferrari offers. Basically, anybody would buy a sports coupe for some supercar features. Oh, and while we’re on the subject, sound system tuning is just as important as engine tuning!
Naming the perfect coupe is of course impossible, and living with the deviations from our description is obviously easier if you’re willingly going for a cheaper car.
Buying a coupe stems from the need to look good and stand out. So nothing but the best looks, the most interesting features will do. The perfect coupe has to whisper that you have the perfect taste, are perfectly connected to the trends and have the perfect lifestyle. The car is everything, it never listens, it ‘walks’ and everyone watches, it ‘speaks’ everyone listens.