The future is bright, the future is... Orange
In case you were expecting an oil-less 2044, you’re dead wrong. There is oil. Arabs are just as filthy rich as ever and London has been renamed to Lonbai. It’s now the most effective quick stop for spending their cash without paying too many taxes. Not much else has changed though; the streets are still filled with cohabiting nations. You’ll have to do some walking around until you spot a Caucasian or two, but fear not, the phenomenon has been studied for 10 years by an EU board that concluded it was not relevant on a global scale (some of its members even went as far as calling it “collateral damage”). Besides, it was already scientifically proven the Indian genome is cleaner and better and the Arab peoples are sturdier so… long live the Queen!
But I digress… our pelican ejects the remnants of yesterday’s dinner into a specially built “Orange Peace” brand collection basket, then takes off for a little fun ride, soaring high above the (still) mythical race track. It’s still early but it won’t be long until all hell breaks loose. Once the motorsport aficionados arrive, the poor pelican will have to use the very distinguished and unique gas mask developed especially for him after years and years of research. After sending some “best wishes” towards Arabs and their oil (who still hasn’t run out despite all the studies and projections British scientists published even before the 2000s), he experiences a brief climax at the thought of the lavish lunch his loving ecologists were preparing for him.
An audacious photographer wearing a special suit allowing him to breathe freely takes countless shots of the track bathed in a mellow light resulting (to his delight) from the combined powers of the Sun and the orange smog that surrounds Earth like some Photoshop-colored cotton candy.
A few poverty-stricken Frenchmen, former grape vine farmers, toiled over the race track, getting it ready for the horsepower tornado that’s about to be unleashed upon its… orange-colored gravel.
Rumors say the most-wanted sportscar in the world will show up today. The very new 911 4S. All-wheel drive, 110 HP and a masterful 3-cylinder engine designed by German engineers, as the crowning achievement of a long and painstaking process of probing, analysis and experimentation. If the latest Lambo had an U-2 engine, the new 911 was said to benefit from the Stuttgart engineers’ telltale arrogance. An X-3 power plant… simply inconceivable for these times of hardship. Besides, the 110CP are already a 15-20% increase over the best sportscar of the moment. Typical for Porsche, actually.
No word on the fuel consumption, but hearsay has it the ground clearance was somewhere between 10 and 15 mm (0.4 to 0.6 in). That would be a rather dramatic advance over ancient models which had a SUV-like clearance of 90-100 mm (3.5 to 3.9 in). Simply ridiculous for 2044.
The winning card? The 24-stage gearbox! That’s right, 24 gears and 4-plate clutch, always ready to get you to any gear seamlessly and silently. It might be called MDK, but it’s not a PC video game from times long past, but a brilliant gearbox created by brilliant engineers.
The 2 million megapixels of the new Nikon camera prove insufficient to capture the track in its full, orange, splendor so our over daring photographer decides to give up. The pelican hurries to his cage, specially created for watching the hottest races of the day, while the Frenchmen scatter a few remaining gravel bags to make the track seem brand new. They say the idea of using gravel came from a former tennis champion by the name of Tiriac, but nobody remembers anymore why it ended up on roads, replacing the old and expensive asphalt-based pavement…
It’s 8 AM. Nürburgring. 2044 AD. The first gas guzzlers are starting to show up, emerging with difficulty from the morning rush hour traffic. You can see them, 2-cylinder HP monsters, rushing past hundreds of thousands of 1-cilinder regular cars. Their LASER headlights pierce through orange fog and, proud as a peacock, the 300,000 USD autos get politely in line, waiting to get inside the temple of speed. Everyone’s eager to see if the 156 kph (97 mph) record will be able to stand up to the new 911…
This is not an ordinary day. It’s an orange day that we, 2012 people, truly hope won’t get to ever experience. A day when cars will only be talked about in the past tense and the pleasure of driving will be long lost. A dull day when ruthless carmakers push their newest profit-maximizing “creations” onto us, dishing out crappy excuses like EU legislation, the 1239th oil crisis and so on.
A day towards which Porsche seems to be moving, pushed by the all too efficient VW, would we be so inclined as to believe the latest rumors pointing to smaller, turbo and lifeless engines.
Don’t get me wrong, we have a naturally aspirated 911 in our garage and we think it’s a perfect machine. But… a turbo engine? Electric steering? A small button posing as the handbrake? Something’s not right about this “evolution” that, frankly, looks kind of… brown-orange.